Monday, March 22, 2010

Think on this...

On days I get down about everything my dad had to go through, and when my fears about what my dad experienced flare up, I think on these things:

-With the very first diagnosis in 2006 dad drove himself to the church, laid down in front of the cross and submitted himself to the will of God. His trust in His good Father never faltered once, even as other cancers came and went. He was strong and never feared.

-With the bad diagnosis of this past year dad said, "I want to fight, but I most want to help people." He was not fearfully grasping for his earthly life, like I was.

-When I would get "pushy" about holding out faith in God's miraculous healing for him, he would always say, with resolve, "if God says no, then that's okay too."

-Since the very beginning, he was okay with death. I know that he of course wanted to live, but much of the battling the past year was also done with his family in mind. He knew we weren't as okay with it as he was. Especially as he was experiencing me struggling and fighting with every piece of knowledge of faith or new medicine that I had, to save him. After he told me, through tears, that he was not going to fight anymore, he was very restless for the next two days. I kept hearing him say, "I tried..I tried.." I realized that he was probably worried that he had appeared as if he gave up. We reassured him, "You did great dad, you fought hard, thank you for all you did, you just get to rest now." With those reassurances he was able to step into the full acceptance of his life's transition. He came downstairs the next day and danced in the kitchen. Going to bed that night he called us to his door and gave us deliberate hugs goodnight and his restlessness disappeared. He really was okay.

-As the end drew near he became more and more detached from this world and began slipping through the veil of the next world. He talked often to himself, or to people we could not see, even responding to questions they would ask him. At one point I asked, "Is God talking to you dad?" He responded with, "Oh yeah." The last day my sister rubbed his face and he just looked up in wonder, proclaiming, "Wow", as if he could see the most marvelous things.

-I have another favorite image of him from his last days. I was sitting next to him and he had his eyes closed, as was common, but he slowly and triumphantly raised his left fist in the air. He looked focused and victorious. I awkwardly broke the mood by telling him he looked like the Statue of Liberty and he seemed to "snap" back to this world. But I love thinking of him as ultimately victorious. His name and my name both mean "crowned with Laurel leaves", as in crowned with VICTORY, like after having won a prize.

Amen.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Article

A woman from my parent's church wrote a neat article for the Star that included dad in it. You can find it here. Enjoy!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Stay Tuned

This blog has been hard for me to come back to, but I would really like to continue posting memories and lessons from my dad. I think I need just a little distance from all of this for a little while longer. But stay tuned!